Creativity and Chaos

Back then, when everything was so easy.

I’d like to remember those days, but they’re too far gone now.

And I remember how it happened. 

My fifth grade “ friends” would call me names. 

They weren’t trying to be mean, no, they were being honest.

But slowly my confidence wore with each word.

Said confidence was replaced with depression. 

And, unlike my confidence, my depression grew steadily over time.

Depression is a hole that I have not yet crawled out of.

I wonder if I ever will. 

And with depression came anxiety, trust issues, and the like. 

I lost my friends, 

I lost boyfriends, girlfriends.

I lost my social life. 

It felt like I had lost my actual life. 

But there I was, alive and walking. 

Slowly I started to dig my way out. 

While I never made it to the top, I have not yet fallen back to the bottom. 

All this because my “friends” called me names. 

Didn’t think before they spoke. 

But I don’t blame them.

In this world, it was bound to happen eventually. 

This world that constantly tries to kill you, bring you down.

Because no one is allowed to feel happiness.

This world is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. 

You think it’s trying to help you but it’s not. 

And here I sit, at his old wooden desk,

Remembering how I lost my life without dying,

Feeling stupid for writing this because I know many people have it worse. 

I know I have no reason to feel this way. 

But the thing is, depression doesn’t need a reason. 

Doesn’t need a reason to steal the life I am slowly getting back. 

So here I sit,

worn  shoes tapping against the tile floor, echoing through the quiet classroom, 

As I spill my thoughts onto this paper, 

Pain fitting neatly between these lines, following a guideline,

As if pain could be expressed in these silly combinations of letters.

So here I sit

Tired of reliviing my pain I fight everyday.

Happiness

Happiness looks like smiles painted under bright eyes on dark days.

Happiness sounds like a room full of laughter, singing, acceptance.

Happiness’ favorite color is all the colors because rainbows brighten up the sky.

Happiness’ plan for the future is to spread to as many people as possible, even if temporarily, and brighten up the world.

Happiness’ friends are Joy, Excitement, and Love, and they all like to play tag with humans who don’t even know they’re in the game.

Happiness hates to not be there when they’re needed.

And my heart is a divided meadow full of emotions and Happiness is always there, even when she’s playing ‘hide and seek’, always waiting with a smile for me to fine her amidst the flowers.